Love-Sick Holidays
by Trisa Slyne
Summary: Listeners of Night Vale, it's that time of year again: the Holidays (with a capital H). And I, Cecil, am so excited to tell you all about what to expect this Holiday season.


**Love-Sick Holidays**

**Chapter 1: Thanksgiving**

Those who stare into the abyss… have far too much time on their hands.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, it's that time of the year again! No, not Street Cleaning Day, thankfully. It's the Holidays! You know, the ones with a capital H? We here at Night Vale don't prescribe to any one single religion or tradition, so all are welcome to celebrate their joyous occasions, thus the plural in Holidays.

Mayor Cardinal would like to remind citizens that while we in Night Vale don't prescribe to any one religion or tradition, we are required to report anyone playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Ugh, I hate those people. And so does the City Council. So if you hear it- report it… or drink to forget… Hmm. Some listeners, like Steve Carlsburg, might point out that this is conflicting advice…

But it's not. It just isn't.

Look, we all have to get through the yearly chore of sacrificing a turkey to minor gods then freezing it and dumping it in a boiling fryer to see who can cause the biggest fire. But. But! We cannot get ahead of ourselves. One terrible chore at a time.

[Deep Sigh]

Listeners, I must admit, I had hoped to do this year's Holiday chores with a certain special someone…

Carlos.

[Deep Sigh]

Listeners, Carlos _still_ hasn't returned from his foray into that other desert. I just… I know that he is a scientist out doing scientist things, but I miss him. Communicating long distance via phone calls and Tumblr is great and all… but I can't cuddle a cell phone or take it out to dinner…

Oh. Well, listeners, speaking of dinner, I got an interesting call from Earl Harlan a few days ago. He used to be the Cub Scout leader but then he was taken by the mute children… anyway he is working as a sous chef at Tourniquet now and we have even had him on the air once before to give us a fantastic recipe for tiramisu.

Ah right, the phone call:

"Hey there Earl," I said.

"Hi, Cecil," Earl said.

"Are you calling about coming on the air again to give us another recipe?" I asked, hoping he was.

"No, actually," he said. "I'm calling in regards to your mention about getting a reservation to Tourniquet."

"Ooohh!" I said, excited, thinking that maybe if I got a reservation I could try to Facetime with Carlos so he could sort of but not really be there with me. Assuming they have a wireless license, of course.

"Yes," Earl said. "Actually, I have a day off this week. So I wondered if you wanted to go with me. I could help you pick out all the best stuff."

"I'd love to! After all, we were best friends growing up and it's been so long since we hung out." I said. Listeners may remember that not too long ago I mentioned how I haven't been getting out much since Carlos left town. I got out for Homecoming, but I couldn't miss this chance to socialize and reconnect with an old friend!

So, listeners, I will be going to Tourniquet with Earl later tonight. Oh I am so excited to finally get a reservation. I won't be able to Facetime Carlos since using your cellphone while with guests is just so rude, but hopefully when Carlos comes back I will know just what to suggest he get. Of course, he's a _scientist_, so he will want to try everything.

Speaking of plans, here are the plans for next week:

Sunday is not looking good for Libras. Nope. Not good at all, Libras.

Monday has been cancel- oh wait, nevermind. It's back on again. Sorry everyone.

Tuesday is work day! We all have to work together to harvest those turkeys. John Peters- you know, the farmer- worked hard to grow those turkeys all year long and it's only right that we help him harvest them. Come on guys, we talked about this.

Wednesday is Freeze Day. You know what to do.

Thursday is House Fire Competition Day. Heat up your boilers and drop those suckers in. Remember: it's the law! The winner of the House Fire Competition wins… a coupon to Tourniquet! It's 10% off an appetizer. Ooh fancy.

Anyway, speaking of Tourniquet, it's time for me to go there! So listeners it's a little early but I take you now… To the weather.

[Nada Valgo Sin Tu Amor by Juanes]

Listeners, I had such a fun time at Tourniquet with Earl. It was so nice to get out. It was also nice to show up that snooty waiter who is a statue and thus snooty to everyone.

Oh listeners, it was just great. Even better than Gino's Italian Dining Experience And Grill And Bar. We were both wearing our tunics like we did back in high school which of course brought up the old days and our old shenanigans. Though of course I didn't want to talk too much about high school days- I wanted to get to know my pal as he is now. So we talked about his daughter, Anihí, that he one day woke up and had. She actually is one of the survivors of the Summer Reading Program that we had last year! I told him that I had no idea and that he must be so proud.

We also talked about our significant others. Earl cannot remember much about his but he assumes he must have had one at some point since he has a daughter… that or he grew her himself. But his garden at home isn't big enough. Ah well, I suppose we could check the records down at City Hall sometime but who has time for that? What's important is that she is his and he loves her very much.

He said that of course he is proud of her but he does miss her. She of course joined Tamika Flynn's army earlier this year when Strexscorp tried to invade. I bet she knows Janice! Maybe they're friends! I'll have to ask next time I see her. Oh wouldn't that be fantastic- old friends' sort-of-children also being friends? Anyway, Anihí is still with Tamika's gang of girls which is why Earl is able to be a sous chef. It really is a demanding job. He was lucky to get the day off.

Well, actually, he said he asked for this day off so that we could go… that was awfully sweet of him. It was great catching up. I hope that I can catch up with other old friends, like new Mayor Dana Cardinal and Old Woman Josie.

Oh yes, our meal! It was a wonderful and wheat-free meal. Honestly, I don't even miss pasta. Not. One. Bit. Vegetables and meat- just like what our ancestors ate before they figured out which god to sacrifice to to make wheat grow. We started off with ratatouille- which Earl affirms has only the choicest rats in it. For my entrée I chose a heart which had been killed under stress since I could relate. Earl chose a brain- how smart! Our dessert was the famous tiramisu followed by after-dinner cocktails spiked with antidote. After all, a repeat customer is an alive customer.

Well, I had a great time. I cannot wait to take Carlos with me next time. Earl was even sweet enough to invite me to do this year's chores with him if Carlos still hasn't made it back by then. Earl says he's rather lonely, too, now that his daughter is gone and his significant other is nonexistent (maybe she drank Strexcorps' orange juice?). I might just take him up on that offer.

Stay tuned for an explanation on what happens to murderers in Night Vale- here's a hint, they end up at Tourniquet, one way or another.

Until next time, goodnight Night Vale, goodnight.

Proverb today: It's pretty obvious when someone is into someone else… to everyone but that person they are into. Pretty sucky, huh?

Author's Note: I definitely don't own Night Vale but you should go visit and listen to their podcasts and donate and stuff.


End file.
